And, as always happens when all your friends are jumping off a bridge,I inevitably begin to question my path in life. As those who regularly hang around this neck of the woods know, I gave up a career to stay home with my daughters. And to raise them, too.
But as I watch my mates pop out babies and then head back to work within months, I must admit I feel a twinge of jealousy. I want what she has, dammit! I want to earn that money, wear those clothes, and have an allocated time to exercise while it's still daylight. I want the buzz that comes with doing a great job at my job.
And a nanny who does the laundry, and gets up to the night squalls, and knows what's for dinner wouldn't hurt, either. I could join all my friends for their impromptu girls-only-no-kids coffee dates. Heck, Mr Accident and I could go on dates!
Sounds lovely.
This morning I scolded Peanut for opening the front door. She was letting out the heat, and the cold damp day was washing in around our ankles. If she wanted to watch the rain, she should look out the window! "But Mama, I want to HEAR the rain." So I made a cup of chai tea and grabbed a blanket, and Peanut and I snuggled on the freezing front step, her warming her hands on my mug, as we watched the rain fall into puddles on the path. And I was glad I wasn't at work. And I was glad it was me freezing on that step and not another woman, paid a pittance to love someone else's children. And I wouldn't swap times like that for all the coffee dates in creation.
Nannies are a godsend for some families. But a nanny 'aint right for me.
Nanny'ing?? Child care...early learning...its all gobbeldygook to me....I chose to have my children, I chose....not any one else's...they are my children...mine....and it is my privilege to be given the gift of caring for them and teaching with them and loving them every minute I can....I have always wanted to do a post on my blog about how much I disagree with child care...but I know I would have the wrath of the modern parenting world upon my head.....the sign I see on the way to school on the outside of one of many childcare centres is ( 6 weeks to 5 years) how on heavenly earth can a parent drop a 6 week old baby off to childcare, so they can go to the gym or work, or do whatever else it is these mothers do with their days.....you dont even know your baby at 6 weeks, you might as well say to it, well, I birthed you, but thats about it, Ill just hand you over to a stranger to love and care for you for the next five years till you start school......I just dont get it, never will, never want to...sure I have crap days, days I just want to run a million miles away ....we all do, but they are ours...we made them, not a stranger....5 years is such a short time in a childs life...5 years...........what is five years out of your life or career or gym time or coffee time that you can not give of yourself to your child for that short amount of time before they are whisked away to the world of school....I know girls who have been on IVF for years...YEARS...eventually have a beautiful baby only to put it into child care at 6 months for them to go back to work....it saddens me...and I just dont know why they do it....apologies for the ranting..I just needed to say all that I think...I do believe child care has its place, Im not that biased and ignorant of some peoples circumstances...but in alot of the cases...its a cop out.....
ReplyDeleteTotally, totally agree. On the lot of it. Mr A and I are so lucky to be able to afford for me to stay home, but we've made some pretty huge sacrifices for it, too. And I would make bigger ones if it were necessary.
DeleteI always felt pity for the mothers who dropped their 6 week olds at care, assuming they were in such dire financial straights they had absolutely no other choice (because who in their right mind would DO that?!) But then I met a woman at work who had done it from choice, just to return to work. Her husband and her earned enough for her (or him!) to very *very* comfortably stay home, but neither wanted to. Poor baby, how will they justify it to her later - that they just loved their careers more?
You can also choose to delete that comment after you have read it....I understand you dont want ranting mothers on your blog..lol...
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't give it up! Not for all the money in the world. You make sacrifices, learn to live on less but get so very much more in return. Well, you know how I feel :D xx
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do. And thank god for friends like you! See you tomorrow...xx
DeleteI need not add anything Mrs Enchanted Moments and yourself have both said it all, and I wholeheartedly agree.
ReplyDeletePhew , I just got back from shopping and thought I would come in and delete my ranting comment....I have a pretty BIG opinion on it all, and I shouldnt assume others do too...but I am relieved to know that I am not alone on the whole issue of others caring for my kids...apologies again for using your blog for the rant, I will rant on my own from now on..x
ReplyDeleteI for one enjoyed your rant, its everything I want to shout at some of the women I know.
DeleteExactly!
DeleteOh, and feel free to rant here any time! In fact if you wanted to do a guest post...
DeleteA school friend of ours has more than once expressed to me her plan to have multiple nannies in rotation if she ever has kids, so there's someone there 24/7 to look after the kid, and from the first few weeks so she can go straight back to work. I have to bite my tongue to stop from saying why have a child if you're not going to raise it? I hope the hormones kick in and she becomes more maternal if she ever does get pregnant..
ReplyDeleteWas it May? It was, wasn't it... She's been saying that for years! I suspect she'll go all helicopter if she actually does breed...
DeleteNope, not May. Pia. Though I have trouble seeing Pia as someone who'd ever choose to have kids to begin with..
DeleteIt's just great to hear all you committed mothers being so passionate about your role in the family. Have just been reading 'Down to Earth' and Rhonda Jean was saying much the same thing in the context of simple living and contentment. You are giving your children priceless gifts of security, care, loving guidance and discipline. Be proud!
ReplyDeleteGartcott, I'm so glad you hang around here, I love your input. Thank you!
Deleteditto all of the above. My eldest is 18, I have 4 teens and I love my parenting job. I think they need me just as much now as they did when they were younger, just in a different way.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
cheers Kate
The key to nailing being a stay at home mummy & actually babysitting your own children, living sensibly & watching your pennies, is that you can STAY HOME when they go to school - exercise when you wish, dress up, have lunches out & a lovely life. Children actually get busier when they hit school age, high school age is relentless, so enjoy it now. Marrying a soldier who is constantly deploying is a bit of a challenge with 4 children, so we decided early on that i'd be the constant parent in the family & i've never been happier, less pressure & i don't feel like i miss my career (pharmacology) as my children are so interesting & fun, sporty & chatty. I haven't drawn a salary for 11 years & trust me, when you have 4 babies with a corporal, money is NOT pouring in, we were just very very tight (cloth nappies, breast feeding, no babysitters) & we made it. Life's a bit different now as my husband is a WO, we've even managed a new car & private school, i'm still home & living just as carefully though, catching every moment of our children's' lives, sometimes i'm the only one available to. If we got a Nanny, she'd be company for me, poor thing, but i would love the help with 4 children, parties & sports each weekend, just a Driving Nanny, love Posie
ReplyDeleteOh, wouldn't a chauffeur be lovely!
DeleteI would love to be a stay at home forever mum, I want to be on canteen duty and see all the assemblies and help with reading, but I also want a job to fall back on if something happens to my handsome soldier - my skills at anything other than running, shooting and bossing people around are either sorely lacking or not recorded.
I was a real career chickie before, with a M-degree and professional registration. Then I had my boy, went back to work at almost 4 months (had a nanny had home and could work flexi-hours so went home at 2 with 100's of papers to mark)...and jubilated when I could escape a year later. It coincided with a move to Australia = no nanny, no cleaning lady, no gardener, and I loved it. The nanny and gardener eventually prayed us back to RSA, but I'm still at home, have 2 boys now and am really really grateful for the opportunity to stay at home.
ReplyDelete(Nanny now the halfday cleaner and gardener also still here )
I have some tough days and I find myself wishing I could go back to work, but only for a moment. Beautiful post - I love the sound of the rain.
ReplyDeleteThose moments are gold, aren't they? Love them.
ReplyDeleteOn the childcare front I tend to feel that most people try to make the best decisions they can for their families. I consider myself so lucky that I was able to decide whether or not to go back to work. To be honest, Tiny J is such an outgoing, friendly soul he'd probably love going to daycare. I know I enjoyed it when I was a little older than him. But I love being with him too much to do that. I was completely career focused before he came along and never expected myself to be so intoxicated with this small person but I am. For all that I sometimes miss the external validation of work (and the regular drip of money into my bank account) being with him is better in every way.
I put my girl into day care once a week... and I don't work
ReplyDeleteIs that a selfish thing to do?
She needs to learn how to mingle with other kids when I'm not there. And to learn how to listen to instructions from someone that's not me. Besides she enjoys it.
If it was something I knew she hated, and was intensely distressed every time she went then she wouldn't go. Simple.
Sometimes when you're on your own and you NEED time alone there is no other choice
I agree 6 weeks is a bit young to put a child in day care full time.
Would love a nanny for Teething management, Tantrum control and household maintenance :D
can you call one for just those jobs?
No, totally, absolutely not selfish. Especially when there's just you at home! Everyone needs a break sometimes, and if there's no family or close friends up to the job of regularly caring for the children a formal arrangement is perfect. Especially if the kid enjoys it! Every time I have a break I come back a better, more refreshed and enthusiastic mum, so it's not just me who benefits from time away. Peanut goes to "school" six hours a week, she loves it too. :)
DeleteTrust me I would rather she spent the day with a grandparent or uncle rather then daycare people.
DeleteUnfortunately grandparents and uncles aren't are chain of establishments around the country.
I love the crafty stuff she does at day care... it's a nice surprise when I go pick her up. They also do 'journals' where you can read what your child gets up to. It's cute.
I can understand how women feel stuck... work and keep your skills up to date etc or stay home with child/ren. If the cost of full time care exceeds what the second income is.... not much point working is there?
Here in the U.S., it's gotten to where most families cannot afford to have a parent at home. Seriously, incomes have been squashed so much that both parents must work just to feed the kids and provide shelter. Health care expenses are so high, too. It's really a shame. Also, retirement savings are best when offered by an employer, so career women who don't work do, in fact, suffer when they drop out of the workforce. Sometimes, they can't even get back into their fields of expertise because moms are huge targets for discrimination.
ReplyDeleteI am home with my kids because oddly enough, I cannot afford to work outside the home! Daycare expenses would be more than I would make. I'm very glad to have been home with the children the past two years, especially since my son has some health issues (nothing too serious, but he couldn't tolerate formula and had some other problems). However, it has meant living not a "kind-of" frugal lifestyle, but one that is at the edge of poverty--anything fun is paid for from windfalls or scrimping and saving for months.
Anyway, this is a heated topic in my country. Too much guilt for moms who have to work. And very little employer support--our family leave after birth is only offered to workers from larger companies and it's unpaid. No wonder so many people go back at 6 weeks!
That's a completely different kettle of fish!
DeleteIt really saddens me to think of the stress those mums must be under, knowing what they would prefer but being completely unable to make it happen.
I am so thankful Australia has paid maternity leave laws. It can only be a positive for a nation to have their next generation given a running start.
I've been a SAHM for almost 14 years now. It was hard giving up my work outside the home (I was an attorney running my own 4-attorney firm), but worth it. You pointed out the moments you'd miss out on while paying another woman to love your children... but the thing is, that's not the deal, according to most nannies. They're there to tend to your kids, not to love them. And that's the heart-breaker, because we really DO want our kids to be cared for by people who care deeply for them.
ReplyDeleteI was very lucky with Peanut's first carer (she was in family day care for almost a year while I returned for work. I had to, it was in my contract and we couldn't afford to break it). She adored Peanut. ADORED her. So much so it was a little creepy, actually, I reckon she was half a year away from suing for custody... But then again, Peanut was in care for ten hours a day, compared with the two hours she had awake with me - it got to the point where she preferred her carer, just through familiarity. I was devastated. But also thankful Peanut was in such a good care situation when I couldn't be there as much as I wanted.
DeleteI totally agree with all the above. I had children to raise them myself not to have someone else raise them for me. I tried daycare with my middle one but it didn't last long neither of us handled it well, Im probably more scared from the whole experience than he is lol. I work nights so that one of us could be at home for our babies and its been hard but it works well. Oh and we saw Brave last night it was awsome loved it. Jodie.
ReplyDeleteWhen i had my teen 16 years ago i had to return to work when she was 6 months as Dad wanted to stay home with her for 6 months...fair enough but goodness how i grieved for the loss of time with her. Turns out he couldn't handle it so she came to work with me as i worked in child care...i then became a single parent who absolutely needed to work to help us both survive...i was lucky though that she was still always with me as i still worked in child care...of course i had to pay huge fees to look after my own child!
ReplyDeleteI now have twin 2 yr olds and a very supportive partner who is a wonderful hands on Daddy. We were able to make the decision that i wanted to stay at home and look after them and not have to 'pay' for the privelige.It would also cost more to have them in childcare and me not able to do all the things i do now in the home if i went back to work. We can do it by scraping by but i know not everyone can...i couldn't as a single Mum and i have so much guilt about that still!
I moved on from child care as the pay is shocking, hours terrible when you have small children and honestly it broke my heart when i worked in the baby and toddler rooms and parents would drop them off still in their night nappy and pick them up when i had bathed and fed them dinner...honestly what parenting was there left to do? I found myself becoming too judgemental and often sad to see children in daycare for so many hours.
I would implore parents that if they have to put younger babies and children into care for long hours to please choose family Day care over a centre. It is a more homelike environment and less of a shock to young children....my girls now go to see a lovely lady once a week to play with other children and do a few things without Mummy....and i can get to the doctor and do a few things with and for my teen. I laboured over that decision for a long time and still feel guilty every week but with no family support close by and postnatal depression threatening to take over i had to realise i needed that break and it was ok.
Anyway, goodness, i do go on...all i really wanted to say is that i loved your story about sitting on the step and shall try to remember that tomorrow when the thought that perhaps i am missing out by not going to work crosses my mind again. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be a SAHM finally after all these years although i do respect that everyone has different circumstances!
So, so sorry...i had no idea my comment was that long until i just saw it posted!!! I shall go away and be quiet now lol!!!
ReplyDeleteI never saw this post when you first wrote it! It's great, I love it! Also that you're beautiful enough to acknowledge that nannies are right for some families, but it's just not right for you. Wonderfully written!
ReplyDelete