Friday, July 27, 2012

Shaped

Shapewear.  Ughh. I've succumbed to the ravages.

First up, here is an interesting link: Chuck Norris Jokes

Right, now all the lads are gone, let's crack on, shall we? After Peanut, my body bounced back. It might have been all the exercise. (She was too small to complain when I stuffed her in a stroller for hours at a time. Things have changed.) It might have been the smaller meals. (Mr A was away for 8 months, so I ate like a girl.) Or it might have been that after one child, your body still recalls what it used to look like. Whatever the reason, I rejoiced.

This time? Not so much. There was no bounce. More like a weighty flop. And after almost two years of looking at my abs beseechingly (for my abs beseechingly, more like) I've finally realised that, until a minor miracle occurs and my diet and exercise become supportive of my midsection, nothing is going to change.

Which of course, while true, is absolutely no help to me now. I have parties to attend, dammit! Frocks to rock!

So I purchased what Mr Accident kindly calls Vanity Pants. I justified it by finding a 1940s quote on the net, something along the lines of "If you find yourself needing supportive undergarments, then for the sake of humanity, just go and bloody buy some!" I may be paraphrasing. 

Shimmying into the underwear shop took some bravery. I'm not a fancy-knicker-buyer at the best of times, and these were not the best times. I found the shapewear section by aiming for the large wall of beige. From the descriptions on the labels, those pants could do anything. Whittle this, lift that... I was starting to think I was buying a handy western cowboy. Perhaps he could whittle me a saddle to sit atop my waistly saddle bags.

I figured the "light control" pants wouldn't cut it, and steered straight to the industrial strength. And I bypassed the little underpant shaped ones, honing in on a set that run bum to boob. In beige. With seams. SO sexy. I was hoping that, by having the end of the pants as far away from the fat as possible, the chub would just even itself out and I would avoid spillage.

No such luck. Somehow (in a way that totally defies my understanding) the roll of blubber from my tummy migrates to two small pouches under my arms. It's warm. It's soft. It's in the wrong place. It's confusingBut, it's still an improvement. 

I'm sold. My jeans look better, my fancy frocks skim instead of stick, and my only regret is I didn't buy another pair.

So, you lot. Do you wear shapewear? Do let me know, so we can admire our under-arm bulges together...

26 comments:

  1. Oh goodness me, I dont even have a shape left after three kids to put a 'shape wear' on...Im out of the loop, I dont even know what they are...

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  2. I have high waisted undies to hold the stomach down a bit, and industrial strength bras, but I'm too.. non standard shaped for shapewear.. I've tried. It's uncomfortable and doesn't look any better so I just pick my clothes carefully.

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  3. See this is where the designers got it wrong...why can't they make that surplus fat bulge up under the breast making them appear bigger instead of under the armpit? Us small B cups would appreciate it.

    It's true, the older you get the wider your undies seem to be, and the more ABC TV and radio you watch/listen to! :)

    I'm up to 2 inches! and climbing :(

    Is that too much information...

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    1. I listened to ABC new radio for hours yesterday! I'm doomed...

      Luckily my day to day knickers haven't hit more than an inch, so it's not all bad ;)

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  4. Agh sigh! I would be happy to wear shape wear if they made it in my shape!

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  5. "Vanity pants" made me laugh. Haven't gone there myself but sometimes I take G over to the Wall of Beige when we're out shopping together. I like to see his look of confusion and panic.

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    1. Oh, Mr A is confused all right. He doesn't understand how something so horrendously ugly could possibly help make me more attractive!

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  6. In the days before I retired to live in a chair, I wore what was inelegantly referred to as 'Gripper Knickers' - not as refined as 'Vanity Pants', but they performed the same function and I was exceptionally grateful for them - a visible improvement in the lumps and bumps department. Go rock those frocks Mrs A.

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    1. So I googled gripper knickers...there seem to be a whole bunch of photos of cycling shorts! But the ones that looked like actual knickers looked an awful lot like mine :)

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  7. Ah yes...love them but hate them! Trouble with them is that i start to not be able to breathe after a while and a suspicious cramp has me wanting to run to the nearest bathroom and rip the suckers off for a little relief....however one has to weigh up the occasion versus comfort of course! I really hate how it all migrates upwards though...who wants 2 sets of boobs? Enjoy the honeymoon stage though hehe x

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  8. I have 2 pairs of shape wear and I can't say whether or not they lasted long enough on to make it to the special occasion they were purchased for.

    Don't get the ones with the pee hole... Argh the mess

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    1. Oh no, I didn't know they existed! What a thought!

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  9. The fact that I do not have children and have never had children may make this comment redundant by default, but no, I don't own shapewear. I do, however, own a boned bustier to ensure everything is where it should be on those (very rare) occasions that I do put on a "frock". I also like that it corrects my (otherwise mortifying) posture, because no one needs to stare down my cleavage during dinner.
    ~S.

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  10. The redistribution bothers me. If I use my hands to push my spare tyre in, I get an amazing bust line. When I wear garments meant to do the same thing I end up with a roll across my back, and no 'assistance' at all.

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  11. Yes, I do own a shapewear. We call it corset here. I have a long girdle. I have been wearing it everyday until I got pregnant and had to stop....

    www.beautynhealthcorset.com

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  12. I have now embraced Woolworths' (ours = Marks & Spencers)"Magic" strappy vests...the secret is to buy one size smaller, then it actually works and you can still breathe...
    (the C-section wasn't so good for the tummy :-(

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  13. I tried to own some once. I took them to the change room and got stuck in them! Not kidding. It was a target change room with giggly teenage girls in the next cubicles and I was stuck in a shapewear underwear thingamy (it was one that held the girls up too). I pulled a muscle in my shoulder and gouged a chunk of skin out of my belly trying to get out of it. I succeeded, but have never ever ever considered it again.
    I try to remember now that I am a 'belly dancing queen' and people love my jiggly bits..... I'm still not so sure, but I sure as hell aint going near the shapewear again!

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  14. I've never enlisted underwear to help keep things from wobbling...and I've promised Tracey the moment I get even a slight jiggle on I am going to try out belly dancing :)
    I do yoga and I found that helped my body become strong again after I had the kids. The husband wouldn't notice if I amputated a limb so I've not really got much drive to frock up out here:)

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  15. I certainly appreciate the perspective here this morning. I know now what not to even consider purchasing plus I have had my laugh out loud moments with my first blog read. Thank you, (all of you) ladies!

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  16. I tried a pair on once....it wasn't attractive so I gave up. I don't think they can make "vanity pants" that suit my shape. I'm blaming the kids - not the chocolate...vbg. So glad you found a pair that suited though....thanks for this mornings giggle.

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  17. Hehe I bought a pair of these when for my high school formal. What the hell was I thinking?!?! I was so ridiculously skinny, why on earth did I think I needed them???

    P.S You my dear do NOT need Bridget Jones-esque undies!!!!

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  18. What lovely comments this blog post elicited! I really enjoyed the read! I fuss and fret about my love handles, but quite honestly just found a photo of my mom and me laughing at each other, and it made me realize the lumps and bumps are not what is important in life.

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  19. Hi
    I think I won your giveaway recently but have not received it yet. I was wondering if you had posted it yet. Thanks Vanessa.

    wsay@aapt.net.au

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    1. You did! Thanks for getting in contact! I'll need your postal address to send it, please email me.

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  20. I bought a heavy-duty, industrial sausage casing... I mean, bum to boob shapeware thing, too. It has hooks to close it, and straps to attach it to my bra. The works. First time I put it on (which took nearly 30 minutes and left me huffing and puffing), I learned to put it on BEFORE applying makeup, because by the time I was done, I'd sweated mine off. But WOW what a difference.

    Okay, so I couldn't sit down in the driver's seat to get to the party we were going to, and had to kind of semi-lean in the passenger's seat while my husband drove (which led to a whole new round of sweating, since he's a crappy driver), but it sure was nice being asked all night what kind of diet I'd been on to lose all of that weight!

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  21. I am secretly amazed I fit back into my shapewear after baby #4! But I'm finding it's supporting my poor falling-apart pelvis as it firms up as the pregnancy hormones leave the building. My abs feel better for not being subject to wobble too.

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