Thursday, May 31, 2012

Tempus Fugit

All the clocks in my life are wrong.

Not very wrong, just a couple of minutes fast or slow.

This causes me untold angst, as I have had it inculcated deep into my psyche that four minutes early is actually one minute late. And if I'm only three minutes early? Mein gott! Mission failure!

Unfortunately, despite this ingrained need to be punctual, I am also a pathological procrastinator. If I have a minute to spare I won't leave home and get there early. Instead I'll faff around wiping the benches and checking twitter. (Probably more likely the latter.)

This would be totally fine.

Except all the clocks are wrong.

So my morning goes something like this:

Eat Breakfast. Check the wall clock (5 mins fast). Panic and flail madly, throwing the dishes in the general direction of the sink and then running to the bathroom. Extra points for corners taken at a slide in socks.

Shower like I am being pursued by ravenous wolves (very scary in a confined space). Hop out, and peek around the corner at the bedroom clock (3 mins slow). Congratulate myself on managing to shower and wash my hair all in a single minute. Dawdle through picking clothes and getting generally gussied up.

Put on my watch (3 mins fast). Oh sweet merciful lemons, where did the time go? How could putting on jeans possibly have taken a full twenty minutes! Panic. Flail madly. Yell directions about hats and jackets at the children while trying to wrestle my shoe off the dog.

Hop one footed to the kitchen, channeling the vibe of a very speedy flamingo. Check the microwave clock (5 mins slow). Ah ha! I am a Time Lord! I suspected as much. Somehow I have jumped through a portal in the hallway and gained eight minutes. Put together a snack and pack our bags as quickly as a snail stuck in treacle.

Then check my watch... and run to playschool.

I need to standardise my clocks. But hey, who has the time? (*Boom tish*)

23 comments:

  1. This is HYSTERICAL!!! Love your work

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  2. This is why I set every clock in the house according to my phone, and have 9 alarms every day to help me remember things. Because I do slow very, very well.

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  3. Thank you soooo much for an excellent giggle to finish my night with.

    You could so much be me. (except that as an asthmatic, distance-perception-challenged, pigeon-toed person with no sense of balance whatsoever I would never have made it into the armed forces - for which all the officers heave a sigh of relief). I was 10 minutes early for our wedding and after nearly 11 years have not been forgiven yet for sending guests scurrying into the church without signing the book.

    I suggest leaving the clocks be, on the grounds that by the time you've gone around and changed them all, then first ones will STILL be fast compared to the last one. You can't win.

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    1. Ten minutes early for your OWN WEDDING!?! Geez, I thought I was bad, and I arrived 4 minutes late. I knew I couldn't be early, but Mr A said he was only going to wait 5 minutes! I think he was joking? Still, it wasn't the day to test my theory ;)

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  4. Hahaha, excellent. My clocks are all over the place. We still haven't changed ours since DST in March, so the main clock is always an hour behind.

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  5. Okay, I'm obviously a weird person, because I set my clocks to different times ON PURPOSE! I honestly have no idea which one is correct (except the one on my phone, and I don't let myself pick it up until we're back from the school run, or I've finished washing the breakfast dishes). If I knew the real time, I'd dawdle and always be late.

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  6. Well all my clocks are fast. this drives the man in my life carzy. Last week he borrowed my car for work and thought he was running late. Paniced the whole way until he got there and realised the clock in the car was fast by 15 minutes. BTW I am never late. Fastastic read.

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  7. I've known it was "all about time" for a very long...well...time! ;)

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  8. The (Ikea) clock on our kitchen wall regularly starts to run 5 minutes late, but I never know when that when is - so I live in a permanent state of deep distrust of the Ikea clock on the kitchen wall.

    I always KNOW when it is running late when I think we've got 5 minutes until Oscar's bus arrives (at 6:50am) and I hear him beeping the horn out the front. What a definition of panic?

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    1. Do you flail? I flail. I find it more efficient.

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  9. Smart phones generally show the *real* time (unless you override this in the settings.

    "What's the time?" in our house is often met with "Alarm clock time? or real time?" Husband and I are also both obsessively on time (result of upbringing and time in cadets/reserves).

    I have trouble arriving at parties at an acceptable time, as in NOT the time stated on the invite, but maybe 20 minutes later. It's so hard to be late on purpose!

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    1. Oh, my phone is right, but it's usually been pilfered by a kid and stuffed somewhere dark!

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  10. I'm with Lizzie there - I'm not involved in the armed forces but I am a stickler for being a little early at all times and cannot understand "socially acceptable late" at all!
    My house is the same re different times - I use my laptop clock because it sets itself by some magical clock out in the universe (it even knows when it has been daylight savings time)...my phone is so old it is just a phone, before they invented the smart bit.
    I'm only late if the husband is involved - he's late for everything...BAH! I actually add half an hour onto prep time before we go out if he's coming lol

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    1. I always panic when I throw a party, because the start time ticks round and NOBODY'S HERE!!

      Then I call my best mate in a tizz and make her promise she's still coming. I'm the totally sane friend everyone wants to have ;)

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    2. Have you seen the episode of 'The Good Life'where Margot makes Jerry pace up and down outside the Goode's back door until it is exactly 5 minutes past the Oçlock they were told to arrive at (becuase it is fashionable to be late but abhorrent to be too late)? Hilarious :)

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  11. I'm confused Mrs A - I thought all the clocks in your house were on the in-house NTP (Stratum 1 of course) ;)

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    1. I wish! But I couldn't afford the cesium to run my stratum 0, so I bought a battery operated wall clock from woolies instead. It *was* set off a stratum 2... But I reckon a s15 would outdo it any day ;)

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    2. *like*



      *really likes*

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  12. I do this on purpose....we have four clocks all at the wrong time....and the car is 9 minutes fast, not sure why I keep it like that, but it works for me....I rarely abide by time anyway, its those large pants I keep talking about that I fly by the seat of... :)

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    1. I want flying pants! ;)

      Glad to know I'm not the only one...

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  13. Not only was that post hilarious, but you referenced Doctor Who, which gets you an extra 15 points (we're keeping score here, right?).

    I have THE SAME issue with my clocks. Lord have mercy that made me laugh. Thanks!

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  14. SJ deliberately sets all our clocks fast in an attempt to try and prevent me from running late in the morning. Even the clocks in the cars are set ahead. I don't know why he bothers because after 15 years together I *know* he does this. So when I look at the clock (any clock) I assume it to be at least 5 minutes fast and take my sweetass time.
    ~S.

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