I have survivors guilt.
My very dear friend is having a shocking time with her husband. I won't go into details, but as of yesterday she is now all on her own with three sons - a four year old, a one year old and a newborn. Her nanny has left, her husband has left, and now it's just her.
She's a fighter, and eventually she will be fine, but it's still exceptionally hard on her now.
And, since this is obviously all about me and my issues, this means I have a boatload of survivors guilt. I go to visit her, and she's rattling around her house and trying to put on a brave face, eating too many timtams (is there such a thing? Maybe "enough" timtams...) and feeling like total crap, and then I stroll home to my house. The lamps are lit, dinner's bubbling away, my loving husband is playing with the kids, and all I can do is curse at the total inequity of life.
I didn't do anything special to deserve this amazing family. This amazingly comfortable and happy life. I was just in the right place at the right time, and managed to meet the right guy for me.
I'm lucky. Purely lucky.
I just wish she was too!
I think everyone knows someone like that. Someone who despite everything ends up with a really crap deal in life. All you can do is be supportive and give thanks for what you have. Some of us are incredibly lucky and some aren't. Like you I'm one of the lucky ones.
ReplyDeleteI was the unlucky one for a long time went through 2 broken relationships with a good friend by my side through both. After the second breakup I was a single mum I saw my dear friend with my son and realised that he would be the best father for him. We've been together for 9yrs now and have since had 2 more beutifull children. So my point is good things come to those who wait and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And now I am one of the lucky ones and your friend will be too one day and will be all the more stronger for it.
ReplyDeleteVery glad to hear a story with a happy ending! And very very happy for you experiencing it.
DeleteHopefully my friend's luck will turn soon too.
Amen Jen. I understand survivors guilt. 4 beautiful children when some of my friends have tried for so long ... I hardly know where to put my feelings. So I don't go on about this pregnancy - I don't know what to say. Why am I so blessed?
ReplyDeleteLuck. Pure, seat of the pants luck. But also totally well deserved luck.
DeleteI get so freaking angry when crack addicts are having kids, that they then abuse and abandon, but my mates can't get a break. They just want one. They would love it and care for it so well.
But I don't think anyone could possibly begrudge you another baby, Kate :) keep it on the down low with your trying friends, if you must for decorum's sake, but feel free to sing about it here!! I'm stoked for you :)
Of course there is no such thing as too many Tim Tams, and I completely understand survivor's guilt as well. If anything, it makes me appreciate all I have because I know at any moment it could change (inserting any awful life event like death of a spouse, cancer, or heaven forbid the death or illness of a child here). Life is unpredictable, and not many of us make it through unscathed. The shame is to not appreciate all the beauty in one's life before any difficult things happen.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend, and I hope your friend finds light and happiness on the other side of this.
I think those of us who got lucky have got to live with grateful hearts. That's the only way this can work - I am thankful for getting a man who was exactly what he appeared to be before we were married. Things can change, some people misrepresent themselves to the other, stuff goes wrong, and we can so easily end up where we never expected to be. So I live with a grateful heart for those things that are good in life, and try not to take them for granted.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is still the person ( although a little greyer!) that I met a long time ago...nothing has changed....which I am forever thankful for...I am blessed with the friend and father he is, and the support and love he gives us all ....your friend will need you...in lots of ways, dont feel guilty for what you have, give it to her in any way you can.........you already have, by having a husband who did all that for you while you were visiting with your friend.....my heart aches a little thinking of her, with a newborn and all the stress it brings with a little family....probably a shower and someone making her a coffee or tea is a blessing right now...I hope you can help her through some days to come...x
ReplyDeleteI feel so sorry for your friend. Don't let survivors guilt stop you from being there for her...even if it's just to bring her more Tim Tams!
ReplyDeleteI say no such thing as too many tim tams.. i'm guessing alcohol is no good for her with a newborn though. Send her my love please :) X
ReplyDeleteWilco x
DeleteI think the ladys above have said it all , just be there for her and as Enchanted moments said just a shower and cuppa would be very welcoming maby with a few hours sleep to help her to be able to put things in to prespective and if all else fails put babys in pram and take a walk!!
ReplyDeleteBlessings
Heidi
She must be so grateful that she has a friend like you. I know that is a hard time and many of us have gone through it before. There is often amazing light at the end of the tunnel. I too am now blessed with a wonderful hubby.
ReplyDeleteShe has a wonderful friend in you Mrs A:) and hopefully with a supportave family and wonderful friends she will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Just by being there is what she needs (and maybe a pot of that bubbling stew on the stove, even if it is popped into the freezer for those bad days)
ReplyDeleteHugs to all, I got lucky too and am privledged to say that I love my husband more and more everyday.
Best Working Dear friend keep working get more success in the name of LORD
ReplyDeletebicycle repair shops in london
second hand bicycle shops in london
I feel lucky, too. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it or that it will all disappear but I am grateful to have a great family, a loving home & a husband I can laugh with.
ReplyDeleteThats a great reminder to be thankful for what I have - a husband and 2 beautiful children. My home is definitely where my heart belongs.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, very lucky but don't feel guilty, embrace it & love that husband of yours even more, as he's pretty fabulous right back to you. All you can do is listen. I had a friend divorce this year & it's so hard as i go on & on about how much i love my husband, but she doesn't hold it against me or frown, just considers me very lucky, love Posie
ReplyDelete